Battleship

In my 23 years of life I've learned a few things about the opposite sex. For starters, they can be stubborn. When stubborn isn't enough, they can be cruel, and when cruel becomes boring they begin to play games. Some boys play The Game of Life. They ride the waves patiently, build their lives, and at the end of it they have a family, a retirement package and a beach house. Other boys prefer Monopoly. They follow the rules, pass go, buy property and stay out of jail. But some boys like to play Battleship and somehow I got convinced to play too.

This is how Battleship works for those who do not know:

Each player sits facing each other, a gridded game board between them. Down the middle of the board is a wall - effectively blocking the other's side from view. The players are given tiny ships that symbolize their respective navy and they each place them on their side of the board where they believe their opponent is least likely to guess their location. Once the boards are set up players take turns guessing along the grids until they find and sink the ships.

You can probably imagine how this all plays out in the game but you may be surprised to know it works the same way in love as well. There are three defining elements to Battleship: strategy, comprehension, and fate. The same goes for playing in real life and, well, I've been on my ship for five years now.

Strategy:
Your opponent is smart. You know him, he knows you. You both know how many pieces you have to play with and the exact size of the board between you. Your first shots are probes. You get a sense for what makes the other anxious even if there's no direct hit. You bide your time, it's a long battle.

Comprehension:
You've made some contact but nothing deadly. His ships are still in tact and so are yours. The board is getting smaller now. Less room for error. The next few moves are intentional and you both know it. These aren't guesses, this isn't luck. This is now a race to the finish and it's anyone's game.

Fate:
The end is near. You both can feel it but the next few plays will determine a winner and a loser. One of you will fire and sink the final ship and as fate would have it the game will be over. You can both move on with your lives.

Or so you would think. But what happens when the game ends and you're both still shooting? You're standing on sinking ships knowing both your navy's are lost, basking in the collateral damage but still not wanting the game to end.

This is where I find myself. Lost at sea amidst the debris. Shooting blanks and taking direct hits. I know I should stop playing but God, I hate to lose.

I'm awake!

It has been well over a year since I've written a word in this blog and for that dear friends, I am sorry. I'd love to say I was off traveling the world, so busy discovering life and love and happiness that I just didn't have the time to write, but that just wouldn't be the truth. The real truth is I had to grow up and get a job, and well....it's sort of the worst.

I used to watch tv and see all these beautiful women as lawyers or police officers or doctors and I thought that it was what I wanted. I wanted to be respected and powerful and successful, but what they don't show you on tv is what it's like to be at the bottom....or if they do I've been watching the wrong shows. Because a tiny hourly salary with zero vacation time and enough overtime to ensure I never go out on a Friday night again in my twenties seems to be all I have to look forward to these days and I am tired of it and it has me wondering...what is the point?

I did all the right things to set myself up for this "corporate dream." I worked hard, had paying jobs, endless internships, and I volunteered. I graduated with honors and a degree that I'm proud of and yet here I am...just a little north of miserable and a lot south of happy. But more and more I'm realizing it's not the job that has me feeling unhappy. I'm thrilled to be employed, supporting myself, paying off my debts - it's the path I'm taking that has me questioning the whole reason I'm living to work instead of working to live.

There's something backwards to me about working hard while you're young to enjoy life when you're old. I want to enjoy life always, not just when I've "earned it." I want to travel and see things before I get burnt out and senile. I want to go away for a month without worrying about my student loan debt or how I'm going to pay my rent all the way from Argentina or Croatia or Australia. People keep telling me I'll get used to it. That soon I'll have two weeks of vacation time saved up and then I can travel and that just breaks my heart. I don't want to get used to it. And what can one accomplish in barely two weeks? I need years to see the world and not the years after I retire when I have arthritis in my knees and crippling back pain and a slew of other health issues that come from old age (yes I'm being dramatic, but you never know). I need to see it now when I have 20/20 vision and no real responsibilities to anyone other than myself.

So dear friends, I am seeking advice. How do you cope with the daily grind? How do you balance work and play? And finally, if you've been able to accomplish building a life that lets you do what you want when you want, please let me in on your secrets, I'm dying to know.

XO,

Em

Can we just slow things down?

22. How on earth did I become 22 years old? Seriously, it's completely beyond me. I've been thinking a lot about age lately. Maybe it's nostalgia or some fear of change or some strange almost quarter life crisis, but a lot of things have been happening in my life lately and they can only be a byproduct of getting older. Here are a few observations from the past few months:

1. Babies

Love must be in the air because wow, a lot of people are having babies. Even weirder is that all of these people are having babies ON PURPOSE. Like deliberately...or if not deliberately at least no one seems to be particularly mortified of the idea of being a mother or father the way I probably would be if I found myself with child at the age of 22. No judgement. Just certainly not the path I would choose for myself. Then again, I'm still living on microwave taquitos and bagel bites, I don't pay my own rent, and I can't even remember the last time I did laundry. A week ago? Who knows? So to my friends and acquaintances who have chosen the road to parenthood more power to you. I imagine one day I'll have my shit together too.

2. Stress

Did you know that a human being can think about like 300 things at once? That's not a real statistic but I'm pretty sure I'm capable of it.  Especially right before bed. When I have a lot to do the next morning. Also, I have this amazing talent to stress out about literally anything...homework, work, my internship, the LA drought, world hunger, you name it. And then of course boys. It's a hard life being 22 years old, ridiculously privileged and single. Poor me.

3. Confidence?

Woah. There's something I wasn't expecting. But yeah, I'm actually becoming more confident in myself as I grow up. I quit a job because I decided it was not challenging enough, I ended a relationship because I wasn't being treated well enough, and I started going to the gym *GASP* because I decided I wanted to feel healthier. And it's AMAZING what happens when you take charge of your own life. People respect you more. They just do, and it's crazy when you're happy with yourself instead of trying to be validated through others.

4. More stress

I mean...yeah...someone hire me? Please?


Happy Tuesday!

Dear 2015...

Dear 2015,

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write. Honestly, I wasn't sure I would, but looking back on our brief romance, I knew I couldn't let you go without telling you how much you meant to me. 2015, with you I fell in love with the world. You showed me some of the most beautiful places, shared some of the most incredible moments, and taught me how to be the strongest, happiest version of me. I will forever look fondly on our time spent together and it is with nothing but sadness that I let go of you and move forward in this life.

I never used to understand the phrase, "All good things must come to an end," but now I think I realize that without the bad we cannot recognize the good, and while we had some of our greatest moments, 2015, we also had some of our hardest. You were there as I lost people I loved, and you gave me the only thing you could to get me through it - a new day every single day. Time. While I believe there was more good than bad that came out of this affair, in you I truly understood heartbreak.

Our split was inevitable, but the lessons you have taught me have left an impression on my heart that has forever changed me and the way I view the world. I love you 2015, and I always will, but it is time for 2016 to have his day. He has waited his turn long enough.

Love,

Em    

What Adele Taught Me this Week

If you live anywhere that isn't under a rock, then you've probably heard that Adele's new album, 25, is out, and you guys...It. Is. Beautiful. It speaks to my soul (or you know...that hollow space where my soul should be). Anyway, this woman has some brilliant messages and what seems like a lifetime of heartbreak and insight and personally, I felt like I couldn't possibly be the only person to have learned a few things so I decided to write about them.

1. Twenty-Somethings know something about Heartbreak

You may have been told that you have the rest of your life to find someone or that you're too young to know what love is...I certainly have. But just like the Internet, you can't believe everything adults tell you. Seriously, just because you're in your twenties doesn't mean you don't have feelings. And if biology is any indicator of emotional maturity, then the younger you are the more intensely you probably feel things. Remember puberty? Yeah, me neither. Moral of the story, if you've ever loved and lost it actually does suck. A lot. Adele understands.

2. It's ok to be Hung-up on Someone

If you've ever liked someone enough to be hung-up on them when they aren't interested in you or don't know how to be with you anymore, then let me extend a formal invitation to you to join the freaking club. We have wine. Lots of it.

3. It's also ok to let go of said Someone

Adele can probably explain this one a little better than I can. Actually...I'm still stuck in the above phase so please refer to songs, "I Miss You", and "Million Years Ago" for a better understanding of how to move on. If I figure it out for myself any time soon I'll let you all know.

4. Growing Up is HARD

I know for a fact I've already bitched about this one before but I must say, it is nice to feel validated on this. It seems to be a theme in this album too, which is fitting considering that Adele is part of the Twenty-Something club and she's figuring out just like the rest of us that things were pretty great when we were younger. We agree, Adele. We understand.

5. You're going to get hurt. Just own it.

This was probably the hardest lesson to swallow, if I'm being honest here, but just because sometimes love is going to suck doesn't mean that it has to ruin us. I mean look at what Adele did with it. She likely turned it into a few Grammy's and made several million dollars off of it. Now I'm not saying that all of us should just go out and start singing songs about our personal struggles, but I think the point is sometimes you just kind of need to let it out. If you let it out, then you don't have to dwell on it, and if you're not dwelling on it then you can get over it. Hypothetically.

Thanks Adele!

2 Steps Forward, 10 Steps Back

Six months ago was the last time I wrote a post on this blog and it feels like a million years ago, you guys. From Hawaii, to Vegas, to Napa, and back to school and back to Vegas, so many adventures have been had and memories have been made that I can't possibly recall them all here, but here are some of the highlights.

1. Hawaii 

If you've ever met me (so basically none of you because apparently this blog only reaches about 72 people and none of my friends know I write this), I am in love with the island state. I dream about the black sand and warm water and tropical air. I constantly get lost in thought, picturing the seaside towns - the houses that look like they have been lived in for lifetimes while somehow also seeming somewhat abandoned - their owners too busy enjoying the island to bother with keeping them up. When I was younger I used to picture the day I moved into one of the shacks right outside of Honolulu. Now, I recognize this place for what it is...an escape, and I love it more and more each time a visit, and it breaks my heart every time I have to leave.

2. Back to School 

There are very few things I value more in this world than my education, and the fact that I am lucky enough to attend one of the most beautiful campuses in Southern California (and the nation, might I add), certainly makes my return for my senior year so much more bitter-sweet. While most of my friends at other universities are ready for that seemingly elusive graduation date, I am honestly, 100% dreading it. Seriously...every time anyone even mentions my plans for next year I cringe internally while simultaneously feeling the urge to punch someone in the face (I don't normally consider myself violent). Seeing as a fifth year victory lap doesn't seem feasible for me from a financial standpoint, I'm really just quite bitter every time the subject is brought up. My return from abroad came with some of the greatest things: reconnecting with my best friends and roommates, a new house (even if it is a dump), new classes, and of course, new dramas, but at the end of the day, I am in love with every bit of it.

3. Vegas 

You guys. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....I mean really? What did you think I was going to say?

Anyway. The title of this post is 2 steps forward, 10 steps back because with all of these adventures has come a lot of learning about myself and what I want and just how afraid I am of the future. In one of my earlier posts I talked about wanting to like myself more and let me tell ya, the older you get, the harder it gets...at least from my experience these last few months. I'll keep working on it. 

Happy Tuesday!

Relationship Goals

Alright, so the title of today's post is a little misleading. I am not in a relationship, nor is it likely that I will be in one any time soon because like most 20 somethings I'm still trying to figure things out. Don't get me wrong, I have dated my fair share and I've definitely kissed more than a few frogs but today I have realized that people change and grow, and certainly, nothing about love is guaranteed.

You may be thinking "No, shit!" or maybe the exact opposite, "Sucks to suck!" And that is fine. Because this is a blog about my 20 something experience and if it's relatable, great...if not...well, I really couldn't care less. Anyway, the reason this post is called relationship goals is because as corny as it sounds, I haven't had the best relationship with myself lately and instead of wondering why boys don't like me, I'd rather spend my time figuring out why I don't like me.

I think that's the best I can do for the moment.