Placid

I've neglected to write for a little while because honestly I don't have a lot to say. Being 21 you would think I would have plenty to do, much to plan for, and exciting news all the time but the fact is I don't. Mostly I spend my time binge watching tv or running errands for my mom. I'm effectively broke after my 4 months in Europe, and because of some poor planning and unavoidable obligations its not likely that employment will be in my future any time soon.

What I have had a lot of time for these past couple of weeks is thinking, and you guys, I've been doing a ton of it. As an only child, I've certainly had my fair share of alone time and usually I quite enjoy it, but as I've gotten older I've started to hate it more and more. Maybe it's the technology age where I just always have it thrown in my face that other people are having fun, but honestly it's kinda nice to just live with people around your age... there's always more to do...but I digress. The point is there's lot on my mind.

First off: WebMD is not my friend.

When you have a lot of alone time it is easy to start noticing things about yourself that on a regular basis you probably wouldn't pay attention to. This is certainly the case for me. Over the past 4 weeks I have self diagnosed three different types of cancer, two heart conditions, and both gluten and lactose intolerances. Other than also being a self diagnosed hypochondriac thankfully, NOTHING IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH ME. Except boredom.

Second: Netflix is only fun when you're using it to procrastinate.

I have had zero desire to watch anything on Netflix over the past 4 weeks. I also haven't had any assignments in the last 4 weeks. Coincidence? No.

Third: Boys.

Yeah this one is probably a given for most heterosexual females between the ages of 14 - TBD. Unfortunately, I still have not been able to figure them out in the ample time I've had to ponder them over the past few weeks but I probably won't be giving up on that fruitless endeavor any time soon. Shout out to biology for sending me on this pointless mission. If I figure anything out I'll be sure to keep you posted.

On a separate note I have much to look forward to this summer - including but not limited to: Hawaii, Vegas, Napa, and moving into my first house! So not all bad, just waiting to get out of this rut.

Happy Wednesday!

Home

So five months ago almost I started this blog and after my first few posts I took off for one of the greatest adventures of my life: study abroad. While I was away I considered continuing with my posts, but honestly I just got busy, and when I wasn't busy Netflix sounded like a much better idea. But I'm back now, and as promised by just about everyone I know who's studied in another country, I've changed and I've come to a few realizations:

1. I belong in California....or at least somewhere sunny. 

Pale skin and pea coats just don't do it for me. I also could never live in a world without authentic Mexican food and refrigerated eggs (don't ask).

2. America sucks at a lot of things, but so does everywhere else. 

We may not have universal healthcare or funding for the arts, but we do have democracy and refrigerated eggs (seriously, it's weird). Our currency is awesome, and so are our prices. And we may have to pay student loans until we die, but at least our cable television is entertaining and there's no class system.

3. Boys suck just as much in Europe as they do in America

...although they're more inclined to ask you on a date (results may vary).

4. Finally, going abroad is not an easy way out of dealing with your problems at home. 

It can just as easily burn bridges as it can build them. It's true that the people who matter stay in touch and the ones who made empty promises get weeded out. The thing about going abroad though is that eventually you come back, and at least in my experience, things seem to pick up right where they left off.

In the end, I got the chance to see the world beyond my backyard and for that I am forever grateful. From Paris, Rome, Florence, Madrid, Barcelona, Amsterdam, and England I have gained so much respect and admiration for other cultures and I hope one day I am fortunate enough to return.

Lesson here: Study abroad if you get the chance. You won't regret it!

Growing Up

About twenty minutes ago my mom asked me when I was finally going to grow up. You see, in less than 48 hours I will be boarding a plane to London, England, where I will be living for the next 4 months and I guess from her perspective she believes I couldn't care less. To be fair, I am not a particularly outwardly emotional person and this irks her to no end. I've never been the kid to jump up and down on Christmas morning or to scream with excitement or joy. Even when I was a baby I was basically dead to the world (my mom's exact words), but as I've grown up I think I've realized why. It isn't so much that I'm not excited or grateful or happy, but rather, I tend to see everything from a "big picture" perspective. So much so that it tends to overshadow my excitement almost instantly.

So yes, I am over the moon about traveling around Europe and seeing incredible places and meeting new people, but at the same time I have reservations: I have to manage school, money, transportation, an internship, and all the other things that normally I get to take for granted. I have to stay healthy and on top of my shit so to speak because no one is going to be there to bail me out if I mess up. So I guess,  Mom, in answer to your question, I'll be doing quite a bit of growing up in about 48 hours time. 

But if we're being honest- and I'm really trying to be here- I hope to God I never grow up, at least not really. It doesn't even look remotely fun. Taxes, work (or lack thereof), responsibility...I just don't get the hype. My future pretty much hangs over me like a dark cloud that's about to unleash the fricken storm of the century at any moment. Sure, it's probably not all bad, but you know what? Neither was nap time or recess or coloring- or riding bikes or playing superheroes or building forts (that were actually still easy to get in and out of). When did retirement become the new Santa Claus...something you believed in but may never see? I understand growing up is inevitable and I know life is what you make of it, but really, would it be so terrible to be young for just a little bit longer?

Food for thought.

It's Over, 2014. We're Done.

Dear 2014,

I consider myself to be patient and understanding and I know that sometimes we all need to be cut a little slack, but now I think it's time for me to move on. I have held so much hope that things would get better, but today it has dawned on me that you and I are nothing if not a lost cause. It wasn't all bad, but the tears I shed and the frustration I felt were just too much in the end. Truth is, you were mean. You pushed me to my limits and brought out the worst in me, and I was not happy with who I was when we were together. But you know something, 2014? I will not cry over you. You are not worth it. Instead I will stand up straight, head held high, and dive headfirst into all of the beautiful promises 2015 has made to me, because he is something you are not. He is forgiving of my previous mistakes, and you know what he has that you don't, 2014? POTENTIAL. 2015 has the potential to be the greatest love affair I have ever encountered. He will show me places I have only imagined, and he will teach me that the world is bigger than my tiny bubble that you kept me so trapped inside. He will not bring me down the way you did, 2014. Not because he is not capable, but because I will not let him.

This was how we could have been, 2014. While we shared some great times and beautiful memories, it seems our time together has run out.

Best,
Em

New Year, New Me...

The most dismal phrase of December and it is the title of my first post. I attribute the choice to nothing more than impeccable timing and lack of creativity on my part. Today is December 30. In other words, the Eve of New Years Eve. And, as most people do, I have resorted to pondering over the last year of my life wondering what I could have done differently. Upon deeper introspection, I've decided to pass off the blame for my crap year this year, because lets be real, they can't all be winners, and I don't have the energy or desire to take responsibility for the shortcomings of 2014. So with this being said...

I attribute my poor grades to the unrealistic expectations of my professors

I attribute my spiraling depression to the current job market and future career prospects

I attribute my inability to be a functional part of society to my family unit

and I attribute my mental instability to the entire male population, because let's be honest...this one is actually entirely their fault.

With all this being said, I also grew a lot as a person this year. I've learned to take initiative when I want to get something done (thank you various group project members for not doing your work). I have learned that Twitter is a great substitute for human contact. And, I have learned that dogs are better than people no matter what... If we're being honest I already knew the last one but it was certainly reinforced in these past 365 days.

In terms of hope for the future I suppose I should create some new resolutions for 2015, although I'm pretty sure BuzzFeed has already taken all of the good ones...so, without further ado:

1. I resolve to stop saying I will go to the gym. It isn't going to happen, and I just need to accept myself for who I am.

2. I resolve to stop caring so much about what other people think. In the wise words of Dr. Seuss, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"

3. I resolve to be happy, because being unhappy sucks and I won't stand for it any longer. Life is much too short.

4. I resolve to read more books, because I'm tired of stupid people and I refuse to be one of them.

5. Finally, I resolve to take more pictures, because here's hoping I'm going to want to remember 2015.